I Quit

Today, I quit my job. Well…actually…I followed the proper steps detailed in the Wake County handbook and per the school “quitting” policy, I emailed a 30 days notice of my resignation on October 13th. I resigned 30 days ago, packed my classroom belongings 20 days ago, and I walked out of that school building like I quit TODAY. Peace signs in the air, wind blowing my hair…

Let’s back up a few months…

It would be a lie to say that my decision to step away from teaching was a flippant one. A closely knit couple, my heart and my brain, they tore away at each other thread by thread, because of so many contrasting reasons. For months, I wavered on what to do. However, as I continued down the dark journey of, “pandemic teaching”, more unreasonable demands began to pile upon my teaching duties. Slowly, my heart and my brain began to see eye to eye.

I only became a “real” teacher a year and a half ago. I am not saying that I didn’t have a lot to learn when it came to teaching, however, when you enter the profession at the old age that I am, and as a parent, you come in with life experience… somewhat of a common sense you could say. The teaching was never hard. It’s the politics behind teaching that is cowering.

For those of you who know me, yes, I taught music from my private music studio for over 10 years, but I considered my profession to be labeled as, entrepreneur first, and educator second. I loved those years of combining what I deemed the holy trinity of careers. Business Woman. Educator. Musician. Actively defying many peoples’ assumptions that humans can’t be good at business AND be artfully creative, AT THE SAME TIME, gave me a type of enjoyment that not much else could.

You see, my brain is wired for entrepreneurship. Maybe it’s because I come from a long line of business thinkers. No matter, I love being my own boss, not just because I can wear yoga pants whenever I want, but because it affords me my autonomy. It’s amazing to create something that defines you while people have access to it and are able to connect with it. My brain is constantly thinking of new ideas that could bring in money and reach a variety of people. For example, I am wondering if anyone wants to go in with me on this idea of “Drink Drones”… drinks delivered by drones! Can we get that going please? I am also talented in the sense that I am not afraid to put the time into learning ANYTHING. Believe me when I say this. Many years ago, I became determined to learn how to make the PERFECT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE. I tried all kinds of recipes and even read books on the science of butter. Just a short 3 weeks later, I created a chocolate chip cookie recipe that made me happy. All this to say, I don’t accept status quo. I have an incessant need to DO something, find solutions, and think outside of the box. Evidently, working for public education, not as your own boss, you are subject to doing a lot of things that don’t make sense. But you know what you do? You suck it up… yep, you suck up all the 98 thousand different curriculum changes, the inadequate lunch breaks, outright emotional abuses, the lack of working calculators, and you buy more stuff from your own pocket… because you do this job for the kids. You do this because your heart is wired to make a difference in America’s youth.

We have all heard, teaching is a profession of the heart. Whether your heart leans a little closer to your content matter or more towards the little hearts you’re teaching, educators know that they make a difference. Yeah…you know, when you’ve yelled at your kid on the way to school because they didn’t brush their teeth for the 78th time? Guess who is there greeting them and checking in on their emotional well being? The heart of a teacher. There are a million examples. Teachers are opening up worlds and creating effective learning environments every day and this….this “making a difference” is what led me to the profession.

Reflecting on my music teaching days, every few weeks, I would receive a phone call form a parent explaining the regrets of not learning how to play the piano as a child. Oh, how they were now committed that their little Francine would learn to play. Caveat. Francine hates the piano. In fact, Francine hates music. I kid you not, this was a regular call every two weeks. Parents would ask, “Do you think you could work with Francine?” And I would reply, “Do you not know Mrs. Nelson?” Subsequently, I would meet this shy or defiant child at my front door and waved them to sit by the piano while I assured the parent that if they gave me one month, Francine would be rocking it out at the piano. These challenges always reached my highest level of satisfaction. It was so evident that I had a way of sparking this passion for music that kids didn’t even know they had. With this amazing strength, I felt my calling to teach.

Long story short, and short story long, I earned my masters in education, got licensed, and began teaching math and science at a magnet school in Raleigh. The connections I made with my students was the most fulfilling aspect of the job. Middle school teaching takes a unique kind of person and it is a unique kind of gratification received. I genuinely laughed all day long as we discussed unit rate problems like;

“If Mrs. Nelson has $30 and takis cost $1.32 a bag, how many bags could she buy?” …..

Francene would answer, “Hold up, Mrs. Nelson, you eat takis? How do you know about takis? Why would you spend all your money on takis?”

There were days I cried too, but every every single day, I came home knowing I had made a difference in my students’ lives. I made a difference in my students’ hearts.

With out hesitation, my teaching super power is the innate ability I have to connect with children. It’s never something I had to learn, per say; I just give credit to my heart… I have always been a kid at heart. These vivid childhood recollections constantly swirl through my head and my heart has snatched its spirit with the tightest grasp. I remember being a child like it was yesterday. That’s my secret. So acknowledging that I would have to let go of this part of my life, this talent… it truly tugged at my heart strings.

…

Each day since July, I heard this phrase, “Not to put more on your plate…but here ya go.” And, each day since August I heard this ignorant retort, “Breathe, we can do hard things!” And, each day since September I heard this motivational piece, “Remember your “WHY”- we do this for the kids.” And, always, always, always blasted all over tweetersphere, “Teachers, remember to take care of yourselves.”

Umm, why are we using these expressions? Let’s be real for a minute. How about instead of “not to put more on your plate,” say the truth, “You better somehow magically pull out a bigger platter because we are gonna stack it up high as we can.” Breathe? That’s the solution? This is one of the ultimate dismissing responses and we need to stop using it. Teachers did not forget to breathe and we are genuinely DOING HARD THINGS… we are asking for the “doing of hard things” to slow down and it not be the constant. My “why” is to teach the kids, to love the kids, to grow the kids. My “why” is not strengthened by after school meetings where we sit and listen to the polarizing vent sessions between “Teacher A” who thinks the more she talks about her accomplishments, the more our “why” will be empowered. Then there is “Teacher B” who cries and brings the morale down at the mention of any change. With absolute certainty, after these cringe worthy meetings, all teachers want to do is take care of themselves. So we take our huge paychecks …oh wait, we get paid squat, so we go to sleep.

Admittedly, I am privileged enough that I was able to even consider quitting my job. I know this is not the case for so many. Undoubtedly, quitting my job, one that I love, will end up costing me. My heart hurts because of the loss of the meaningful relationships I have made with my students this year. It pains me to let go of those. However, there comes a point, that you ask yourself about your worth?

Is it worth neglecting my kids, letting them stay at home every day by themselves, so I can teach 137 other kids?

Is it worth the stress of the constant micromanaging change from the “district”?

Is it worth taking my weekends to grade assessments and create plans for 137 students?

Is it worth increasing my risk of getting Covid?

Simply put, the overwhelming feeling I received these past few months was that it is a badge of honor to sacrifice my family and our mental health, for the sake of the kids I teach and their parents. This is not ok.

Nope. This is not ok, for ME. My brain and my heart unanimously understand… This is not ok.

….

As my blog name suggests, I love to travel and traveling didn’t come easy in 2020. However, I got a chance to escape on my one week fall break from school in October. I found myself kayaking on the Colorado River in Arizona. In a rare moment of silence, I felt happiness that encompassed me in a way I had not felt in so long. Peace…Quiet… Fellow travelers will understand this humility that settles in your heart and reminds you how small you are in this big world. Floating out of the Emerald Cave, I was reminded of a little old lady I sat next to on a flight to Italy a couple years ago. She wore this massive emerald ring that became our opening talking piece. We talked a lot on that 7 hour flight. There was something that she said that I think about frequently…

She said, “You know what is amazing about life (about women)? We can reinvent ourselves whenever we want. We can redefine labels. Sometimes it takes travel, sometimes a bad experience, but ultimately, we can take charge of our lives. Take that radical left turn and surprise people, but whatever you do, be sure it makes you happy!”

And I believe this to be so true. These words, echoed in my heart as I decided that day, on the cool crisp Colorado River that it was time for me to take a massive left turn, away from teaching.

It was a trip away from my North Carolina home that allowed me to ask myself, “Do I like where I am right now. Literally? Figuratively?” This is what I love about traveling. It’s a brain check and a heart check. For me, it brings to life these lyrics, “Sometimes you don’t know where you’re from til you leave… and I’ve been searching for a place where I belong…and on my way, I heard my song.”

I heard my song.

Often, I remind my kids of this quote, ” You can have it all, but not at the same time.” It is ok to step back and take a break from something or even quit all together, so that something else in your life can shine. If you try and do it all at the same time, something will suffer. Your song will be out of tune. I realized that the past few months I have been so out of tune. I am so happy that are several things that are waiting to shine in my life… and one of those things is sharing my adventure through writing. I’m a little rusty, but I’ve got a plan and I hope you will follow… travel with me… Peace signs up, wind blowing my hair…